Flying nowadays isn’t the exciting, glamorous experience it was fifty years ago, with stylish stewardess’, rugged pilots, and first-class service regardless of what section of the plane you sat in. Instead, present day changes have turned flight procedure into an almost comical mad dash.

The process:
The present day process involves standing in line before fighting with an attendant regarding your bag’s weight. Ultimately you’ll end up paying the exorbitant overweight baggage fee. Once you reach the security check, attempt to remove your belt and shoes elegantly, and avoid doing the one-foot hop. If you successfully removed your shoes, you’ll need to walk through an “X-ray” machine, some of which are now full-body nude scans … thanks TSA! Just when you finally think you’re done, you’ll be given the opportunity to wedge yourself onto an ice cold seat and entertain yourself until the plane boards.

Gone are the days when you’d be seated on a luxurious plane and receive complimentary drinks and a five minute chat from a well-spoken stewardess. You could light your cigar or cigarette and open your newspaper to flick through the latest stories. If the pilots liked the look of you, they’d invite you to the cockpit for some conversation and possibly champagne. Travelling via aeroplane was the classy way to get around.

Waiting
Now, we have in-flight magazines, television screens with music channels, movies, and even live maps which show the global position of the aeroplane. Carts are rolled around filled with miniature shots of alcohol to dull your nerves, and barely edible meals are served, provided you’re not vegetarian.

The stewardess’ unfortunately don’t have the strict grooming checklist of yesteryear, and even the pilots are armed nowadays, preferring to lock themselves away in the cockpit. As for seating, you will end-up next to a) the screaming baby, b) chatty Cathy, c) the pushy salesman, d) the bleary-eyed drunkard e) the hysterical flier or perhaps even f) the potential terrorist.

Given the above options, sleep seems like the safest choice for the duration of your flight, but sometimes even that is elusive as you sit red-eyed, nervously watching your fellow passengers. Some laugh and chat, others pop on headphones and stare zombie-like at the miniature screen. Someone will attempt to hush a crying child, and a lucky few manage to nod off and start snoring … emitting a rumble similar to lumberjacks in the Amazon.

Here we are now, Entertain us!
If you’ve experienced the above scenario, and have an upcoming eight-to-sixteen-hour flight, here are some ways to relieve the monotony. And no, this list does not include ways to kill your fellow passengers with a toothpick and dental floss.

• Don’t watch movies for a month before you fly, so you can enjoy the in-flight entertainment.
• Sleeping pills and calmatives can knock you out for at least eight hours. To aid sleep, most airlines offer complimentary eye masks, blankets, ear plugs, and socks.
• Ensure your portable devices are fully charged before take-off. Bring an mp3 player filled with your favourite songs, or a laptop, iPad, netbook or e-reader filled with movies or books. Portable gaming units such as Nintendo DS and Sony PSP are popular options as well.
• Crosswords and Sudoku are great if you feel like exercising your brain.
• Bring chocolates, granola bars, toffees and other hard snacks to tide you over in-between meals. If you’re a vegetarian, bring a high calorie food bar with in case there’s a problem with your meal. Avoid those which have a high salt content as they will cause you to bloat.
• Start crafting your memoir or begin that gripping novel you’ve always wanted to write.
• Now is the ideal time to learn another language. Stock-up on audio books, pdf lessons, podcasts, and a pocket-sized phrase book. Perhaps these will even be relevant when you reach your destination!
• Daydream a bit … who knows, you may figure out how to cure cancer or take over the world.

Tips:

• Take a walk around the cabin every 30 minutes to keep your circulation going and prevent deep vein thrombosis (DVT) during long flights. This is an incredibly dangerous blood clot that can occur when you are immobile for prolonged periods.
• On those short walks you should take a moment to moisturise from the tiny bottle of lotion you’re allowed to bring. The high altitude and cold air will dehydrate you, and no one wants to look like a stick of biltong when they disembark.
• Take vitamins along with the served meals or you may end up with your seat-mates whooping cough. An incredible 50% of the air on planes is recycled.
• Take off your watch. Staring at it won’t make time go any faster.

• Don’t joke about guns, terrorists or say the phrase “Hi Jack”.
• If you’re travelling with a friend bring along a board game like chess, checkers or backgammon.
• When travelling between isles, avoid concussing fellow passengers with your bag.
• If you decide to recline your seat and accidently squash the person behind you, don’t be surprised if at some point you get a knee in your back, or have muttered insults for the rest of the flight.
• Wear comfortable clothing while flying and change before you land – always travel with a second set of clothes in case your luggage gets ‘misplaced’.

Let us know what tips and tricks you use to prepare for those gruelling, long-haul flights. What objectionable characters have you had the misfortune of sitting next to in the past? Perhaps you’ve made a good friend in these circumstances?